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December 31, 2007
A Painful New Year's Eve
Lumbago loved New Year's Eve. The food, the dancing, the champagne, the fireworks. Well, the fireworks brought back memories of a dark period in his life but on the other hand they were colourful and bright and Lumbago liked colourful and bright things. Like the new hat Santa brought him for Christmas. It had a revolving blue light that played "If You Can't Do the time, Don't Do the Crime." Lumbago pictured himself arriving at a crime scene, tricycle wheels burning up the pavement, blue light reflecting off the damp pavement and "If You Can't Do the Time, Don't Do the Crime playing at full volume. It would be enough to scare the crap out of any criminal, sort of like seeing Batman arrive in the Batmobile, except Batman wore those faggy tights and that funny looking cape, which sort ruined the scare factor. Plus what was with him and Robin anyway ? Lumbago worked alone like a real hero. But enough about Batman thought Lumbago, forgetting about him instantaneously. Lumbago admired his ability to put things completely out of his mind in an instant, then wondered briefly what he'd been thinking about.
Lumbago loved New Year's Eve. The food, the dancing, the champagne, the fireworks. Wow, deja vu he thought, how cool is that ? Then he remembered something about a dark knight, or was it night ? The memory was vague but it was coming, unlike Lumbago himself he thought briefly.
But hey, it was New Year's eve and he had a little party planned. He'd invited Kitty over for dinner and a game of Twister and then they'd ring in the New Year together. Lumbago was becoming quite fond of Kitty. She reminded him of Catwoman except a little rounder and pinker. Pink was Kitty's favourite colour. She used pink fingernail polish, wore tight pink slacks and tight pink sweaters. And with her nice round figure (which she hated but which he loved) she looked like an advertisement for Bazooka bubble gum. Lumbago wondered what it would be like to chew her up and blow bubbles with her. Then he thought it would be cool to have a slimmer version of Kitty, pop her in his mouth, chew her up, then blow her out all nice and round and glistening. The thought was somewhat erotic but sadly Lumbago's terrible physical disability prevented him from pursuing that train of thought any further.
Then sometimes Lumbago thought of Kitty like the sister he'd never known. She'd died during birth. Not her birth, his. She'd been five years old at the time and was so excited about having a baby brother she'd insisted on being present at his birth. His parents, who couldn't refuse her anything, had agreed so there she was at the hospital on the big day. His mother's water had broken and she was being wheeled to the delivery room, his father and sister following, when the girl slipped on a patch of his mother's water that had trickled onto the floor. She cracked her skull on a bedpan that had been left next to a patient's door and was killed instantly. For several years it made for interesting birthdays. First his parents would give him a present and tell him they loved him then they'd all get in the family station wagon and go visit his sister's grave, where his parents spent the next hour crying their eyes out. Then they'd all come back to the house and have cake and watch the Lawrence Welk show.
Kitty arrived promptly at six p.m. Lumbago vaguely remembered inviting her for seven but then thought that in all the excitement of the holidays he was probably mistaken. He wasn't. In fact Kitty arrived early for absolutely everything. It probably had to do with her premature birth, which had surprised the heck out of her parents especially as they were on holiday in Europe at the time. For years they blamed her for having to cut their trip short. Lumbago felt he and Kitty were kindred spirits. His birth was responsible for the death of his sister while hers had ruined her parents European vacation.
After a wonderful meal of steak and shrimp followed by Lumbago's favourite dessert, chocolate covered strawberries swimming in a pool of molasses and pork fat, Lumbago and Kitty retired to the living room to play a game of Twister and watch the festivities on television. It was quite a novelty to watch Dick Clark while Kitty's left breast dangled inches from his nose.
Soon they'd had enough of Twister and sat down to watch the festivities in Times Square. As the clock approached midnight Lumbago felt Kitty's hand slide up his left thigh. Soon she was rubbing his diminished manhood and lo and behold, Lumbago felt a warm feeling he hadn't felt for months. "Could it be !?" he wondered to himself, noting the presence of the interrobang in the room. He pulled his .44 Magnum, aimed, and shot it dead. Kitty jumped in surprise and pleasure. She loved big guns, and Lumbago had the biggest one she'd ever seen.
With the interrobang taken care of Kitty went to work in earnest, climbing aboard Lumbago's newly awakened little friend. Lumbago's brain reeled as Kitty brought him to heights of pleasure such as he hadn't felt in months.
They rocked, they rolled, they reveled in each other and as the big ball came down in Times Square Lumbago felt the climax building until as the ball finally dropped Lumbago climaxed.
He could think of only one thing to say.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR !"
Posted by OldGuy at 7:09 PM | Comments (5)
December 30, 2007
Out With the Old, In With the New
It was a good Christmas. I got pretty much everything I asked for, which wasn't a lot in the first place but I'm happy with my loot. A couple of new books, a new razor (no, not an electric, one of those five-bladed Gillettes that I thought my son was nuts to buy last summer), and a key chain light. I also got some new pajamas, a couple of shirts, and the traditional pair of new slippers. Now, before you start thinking "slippers, how lame is that", I wear slippers all the time and I've been getting a new pair every Christmas for years and as soon as I open them up I immediately throw out the old ones and put the new ones on. There's one gift still to come, apparently the lad ordered something on eBay but it didn't get here on time for Christmas. He's quite excited about it, says I'll really love it, so I'm quite anxious to see what it is.
My wife's family came over on Christmas eve and we went to Red Lobster for a late lunch then back to our house for dessert and snacks. Her grandmother spent the night then the next day they all came back for an untraditional Christmas dinner of barbecued steaks and baked potatoes. It was a wonderful meal and everyone enjoyed it. Of course Christmas morning we had breakfast and opened our gifts. The kids got loads of stuff, including the gifts that Santa left.
If you want to read about some bad Christmases head on over to Suzi's blog, she's listed a few for your reading pleasure.
Anyway, as the title says, it's time to ring the old year out and the new year in so I wish you all a
Posted by OldGuy at 10:32 PM | Comments (4)
December 24, 2007
Posted by OldGuy at 10:05 AM
December 23, 2007
Taking a Break From Cleaning the House
Okay, it's sort of crude as humour goes but the princess thought it was hilarious.
Posted by OldGuy at 10:56 PM | Comments (3)
December 21, 2007
It wouldn't be Christmas in the Tree House without a poem so I give you ...
Posted by OldGuy at 5:33 PM
December 20, 2007
A Tree House Christmas 2007
OldGuy was feeling a little bit down
And on his face he wore a frown
Down one cheek coursed a single tear
Coz there wasn't much Christmas in the tree house this year
He'd been sick for quite some time
No stories he'd written, nor a single rhyme
For two months he'd rested, not doing a thing
In no mood to dance, in no mood to sing
He looked around and what he saw made him sad
For no decorations adorned his pad
No tinsel, no lights, not a wreath could be seen
Not even a tree of bright Christmas green
OldGuy was sure Santa wouldn't show
He'd just fly right on by leaving OldGuy in the snow
With no tree by the door and no lights outside
Santa would think poor OldGuy had died
Suddenly OldGuy heard a sound way up high
So he ran outside and looked up to the sky
What he saw there made his jaw drop
And caused his old eyes to widen and pop
Cruising up high was a black and white beagle
Followed closely by a fellow quite regal
Snoopy and the Red Baron were headed his way
And not far behind was the man in the sleigh
The trio landed one-two-three
And Snoopy unloaded a Christmas tree
The Baron strung lights, proving quite handy
Then Santa cracked open a bottle of brandy
"OldGuy" said Santa, "I knew you were sad."
"So I brought some friends to cheer you a tad."
"And just to assure you, please never fear"
"You're a good friend and I'll always stop here."
The four friends drank a Christmas toast
And Santa saluted their grateful host
Then Santa and Snoopy and the Red Baron too
Took to the skies and away they flew
Posted by OldGuy at 10:06 AM | Comments (5)
December 19, 2007
Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat ?
The princess's school had a Christmas pageant last night. The entry fee was donated to a local family whose young daughter has glutaric acidemia Type II, a very rare genetic disorder. It's costing the family a couple hundred thousand dollars a year for her food and medication. The community has rallied round and are doing all sorts of fund-raisers to help out.
Anyway, the photo is the of the princess playing a disgruntled elf who decides to go on strike at Christmas. She thoroughly enjoyed putting the skit together, especially as she's taking acting lessons so this was a chance to show off what she's learned.
On another note, I had an echocardiogram today. That's an ultrasound of the heart. The test was done by a large friendly man who sat next to me on the bed in a dimly lit room and ran a magic wand over my heart. All that was missing was romantic music.
Posted by OldGuy at 6:26 PM | Comments (4)
December 17, 2007
Walking in a Winter Wonderland
And this is the scene today:
Posted by OldGuy at 2:28 PM | Comments (7)
December 16, 2007
I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
This is the view outside the back door half an hour ago. It's been snowing all day here, as it has in most of Ontario, Quebec and the northeastern United States. Apparently this is one of the biggest snowfalls on record. Personally, I can honestly say that I don't ever remember getting this much snow in one storm since I moved to Ottawa over 30 years ago.
Added to the snow we've already had dumped on us we've already got more snow than we usually have by late February and winter hasn't even officially started.
Posted by OldGuy at 7:46 PM | Comments (3)
December 15, 2007
The Tree House Redux
I fixed it and it looks good in IE and Firefox.
I still have bit of tweaking to do as the fonts in the Category section need to be changed and some links are messed up but it's getting there.
It sure feels good to have the place looking like it used too, almost like getting home after a long day's work and finding a fresh cup of coffee next to my favourite chair.
Posted by OldGuy at 7:52 AM | Comments (3)
December 14, 2007
The Tree House
It's still looks totally screwed up in IE but Firefox is looking good.
It's a start.
Posted by OldGuy at 9:11 PM | Comments (1)
The Princess's Latest School Picture
She's 9 years old (thinks she's 16) and in Grade 4 now.
Posted by OldGuy at 12:59 PM | Comments (1)
December 12, 2007
More Photoshop Work
Those of you who read this blog regularly (I believe there are 3-4 of you) know that the lad left for a few months earlier this year, then returned home. The picture was taken the day he got back. I'd been wanting to do something with it for a while and about a month ago I did. The title is meant to reflect the old biblical story of course, and its application to our situation. I used a bit of an edgy font in order to reflect the lad's and my love for slightly scary television shows. For years we used to watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" together. Now it's "Supernatural."
Anyway, it was fun as always.
Posted by OldGuy at 12:49 AM | Comments (2)
December 11, 2007
I'm Back
Wow, it's been a long time, I hardly recognize the place.
Okay, so I'm back from the dead, or at least the land of the very ill. What started out as a prostate infection was then diagnosed as pneumonia but it wasn't getting any better so the doctors thought I had lung cancer so they did a couple of tests and it looked like I didn't have it but then they did more tests because they still sort of thought I did. Turns out I had pneumonia all along but it was a very bad case of it and it took a long time to clear up. I still don't feel 100% but I feel 100% better than I did back in October. Tomorrow will be two months to the day that I left work. I'll be going back but for half days until I get my strength back (not that I had a lot to begin; I was looking over the princess's vocabulary homework last night and for the word feeble she wrote the sentence "My dad is very feeble." Gee, thanks kid).
So what else has been happening around here ? The princess got her report card last week and she did extremely well, all A's and one B+. The lad is working a contract position with a local energy company and is enjoying it. Christmas is almost upon us of course so Mrs. OldGuy has been shopping like mad while I sit around the house and putter.
The blog ? Yeah, I know, it's still broken. It's been so long since I've logged in here that I've forgotten how to use most of the features I was just getting used to a couple of months ago. I'll fix it up properly in January as I really can't stand the red theme.
Anyway, thanks to all of you who have checked up on me and rest assured that the OldGuy is back for a while.
Posted by OldGuy at 2:33 PM | Comments (6)