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November 30, 2004

 

I Can't Fix Him

 

My son is supposed to come home from the hospital today and although I'm excited I'm also scared.

He's been in hospital for a little over a week but he isn't really well yet. What do I mean by this ? Well, here it is.

He's gone through a few things in the past and there was always something concrete to point to, some test, some result, something I could look at and and say "this needs to be fixed so let's find someone who can fix it."

When we went through the brain tumour scare several years ago the doctors pointed at a picture and said "There it is. We need to fix that". When he was diagnosed with diabetes in the spring the doctors pointed at a test result and said "his blood sugars are high, we need to fix those."

This isn't like that. Apparently he isn't suicidal right now. How do the doctors know this ? They asked him some questions and he answered them and they said "okay, you can go home."

Did they take a picture of his brain ? No.

Did they do a test and say "take this and you'll be fine now ?" No.

Did they say "you have been fixed, go home and forget this ever happened ?" No.

What they said was "you're okay for now but you'll need a lot of help to figure out what brought you to this point, and unfortunately we're not equipped to offer you that help so go home and find someone who can."

Until now, whenever it came to his health I always felt I could fix things. Not me personally but somebody.

Last week, for the very first time I said to my wife "I can't fix this" and it scared the hell out of me.

   

Posted by OldGuy at 10:26 AM

   

November 29, 2004

 

I Get No Sympathy

 

Think I'll tell a little story then take a look around, see what's changed.

The day after my son was born I went to visit him and my wife at the hospital. My wife had been in labour for 36 hours so she had quite a go of it. During that time she often asked me to massage her back and I did so, a lot, a real lot !

The next day when I went to visit my hand was so sore I couldn't move my fingers. I mean, it really really hurt.

I mentioned this to my wife, expecting some sympathy. I didn't get any.

I wonder why ?

   

Posted by OldGuy at 9:19 AM

   

November 28, 2004

 

He's In Pain

 

It's Sunday night and as I write this my wife is driving our son back to the hospital. Hopefully he'll be home to stay soon.

It seems like ages ago, hard to believe it was only a week ago last Thursday that we took him in. It started when I got a call at work from his school guidance counsellor. She said my son was in her office and either I or his mother should come pick him up and take him to the hospital. I said I would come right away but I would also try to call my wife as she had the car and could probably get there faster. Then she asked me if I wanted to know what was wrong or would I prefer to wait until I got there. Up to this point I thought it was something to do with his diabetes but the way she asked the question left no doubt that something else was going on so I told her to fill me in.

I will remember her next words for the rest of my life. "We have your son here and he wants to kill himself and he has a plan for doing it".

The rest of the day passed in a blur. We picked him up, took him to the hospital and got him admitted. He was assessed and we were told he'd have to spend a week or two.

The next week was the hardest I have ever gone through. My son was on the "psych" ward, and my wife and I were back and forth to the hospital asking questions and not getting any answers. He's sixteen you see, so the staff don't have to tell you everything. That's damn hard to accept when it's your son, the kid you raised and thought you knew. Suddenly he was a stranger to us and nobody wanted to tell us anything. My wife was incredible through all this. She antagonized the staff something fierce but she got the answers we needed.

The first time I went to visit him alone was so incredibly sad. I wanted to talk to him but he was just so sad and I was sad for him and we both cried and then we felt awkward and spent the next hour looking at our watches. By the time I left I just wanted out and I cried all the way home thinking that he wanted to kill himself and nothing I could say could stop him from doing that. After everything we'd been through together it was the worst thing I've ever felt. You've heard the expression "like a knife through the heart ?" Well, it's true, you can feel that way because I felt that way for days. Still do.

Anyway, he was home for the weekend, and now he's gone back, but hopefully he'll be home to stay in a few days. He's got a lot of work to do, and we have a lot of work to do but I love him incredibly, wildly, unimaginably, hugely, and every other "ly" you can think of and I don't want him to die.

My father used to say "you do what you have to do" and I guess that's what I'll do.

   

Posted by OldGuy at 9:26 PM

   

November 27, 2004

 

Starting the Journal

 

My name is Gilles and this is my journal.

To start with let me say that I have missed coming around here. I made some good friends here last winter, Taz, Lilliebet and Blast just to name a few. You people not only helped me with my computer problems but also encouraged me to take an active role on the site. Life being what it is however I dropped out of sight a few times.

One thing I have come to realize is that I like to write about stuff that matters to me. In fact, I started a blog entitled "Stuff that matters to Me" but I tired of it rather quickly. Why ? Because blogging is just a wee bit difficult. Sidebars, links, etc. That's not for me. When I want to write I just want to sit and write, period.

So I've decided to keep a journal here, where I have made some good friends. By the way, I know it's supposed to be a journal, and journals normally mean you write stuff and people read it and leave it alone. Well, if anybody wants to comment on anything I write go ahead, that's fine by me, in fact I'd love it because then I'd know somebody's reading.

So this is my first entry. More to come.

   

Posted by OldGuy at 2:27 PM

   

November 1, 2004

 

A Personal Reason to Fold

 

On April 1st my wife and I accompanied our teenaged son to the hospital for some tests. We were all quite nervous, especially as we had spent considerable time here a few years ago when our son was diagnosed with a brain tumour. That eventually turned out okay but we all remembered the tense hours we had spent here over the course of a few years. Now here we were back again. All we knew was that he hadn’t been feeling well lately and there was a problem with his blood sugars, whatever those were.

For the next few hours our son was poked and prodded after having drunk some horribly sweet concoction. When the tests were over we were told to expect a call within the next few weeks. A couple of hours later my wife called me at work to say the hospital had already called. Our son had Type 1 diabetes and needed to start on insulin injections immediately. A nurse was coming to the house at dinner time to give him his first injection.

The next several days were a blur. We’d get up in the morning, fix our son his “prescribed” breakfast, then await the nurse who would take his levels and administer his injection. Then it was off to the hospital for educational sessions. Once back home we barely had time to get dinner before the nurse was back for the evening injection. Then it was time to bathe our young daughter and fall into bed. The next day we did it all over again ! This went on for a week before we were “educated” enough to start dealing with this disease on our own. As much as we dreaded having to do the injections ourselves I was never so happy as the day the nurse left our house and wished us good luck. Finally we were on our own and life would go back to normal, sort of.

Over the next several months we learned a lot about this disease. What it is, what is does, how to control it, etc. Although most days are better now it has become a permanent part of our lives, especially my son’s. He tests his blood 4 times a day and injects insulin morning and night and before every meal. He counts carbs all the time (as does my wife who does all the shopping and cooking !!) and there’s lots of trade offs. A phrase heard a lot around our house these days is “if you have that for desert tonight you’ll have to give something else up”. When he goes out somewhere he has to take his blood testing kit with him and he always carries a readily available source of sugar in case he goes low. Some nights he goes to bed hungry because his numbers are high and he can’t or won’t eat anything because he’s trying hard to be good. My wife and I are constantly worrying that he will lose his sight someday or have to have a foot amputated or develop heart disease at a very early age or develop some other complication.

This past weekend was Thanksgiving and we let him eat anything he wanted but he paid a price for it. He had to take extra insulin and his numbers were still high, but the kid’s gotta live too !!

Sometimes I try to put myself in his place and it’s hard. He has to inject himself every day. He can’t always eat what he wants or when he wants; hard enough for an adult but a teenager ? He knows he can get really sick if he isn’t careful and even then he might have problems someday.

Years ago I read an article by some guy, don’t remember his name but I remember what he said. Teenagers think they’re invincible and that’s a good thing because it’s what makes them take chances us old guys won’t take. Oh sure we need to teach them about the evils of drugs and not driving when you’ve been drinking and stuff like that but they should still be allowed to feel invincible because it’s one of the things that makes being a teenager fun. My son doesn’t think he’s invincible and that makes me cry sometimes.

We need to beat this disease. Please join us by downloading Folding at Home and running it on your computer.

OldGuy
Special Response Team

Note: Read here about Folding At Home. "

   

Posted by OldGuy at 8:57 AM